THE MARRIAGE PROPOSAL

THE MARRIAGE PROPOSAL

How should marriage be proposed, and who should initiate the proposal? Many people believe that both the man and the woman have an equal right to propose marriage to each other. However, the pattern presented in Scripture does not support this conclusion.

This misunderstanding often arises from an incorrect interpretation of the first biblical passage on marriage. Scripture declares:

"Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24, NKJV).

Many assume this verse means that both the man and the woman leave their respective families to establish a new home. Yet the text explicitly mentions only the man leaving. He leaves the authority of his parents to establish a new household, becoming its earthly head while remaining directly accountable to Christ, his Head (1 Corinthians 11:3).

The woman, on the other hand, is not portrayed as independently leaving her father's authority. Rather, she is transferred from the authority of her father to that of her husband, a principle reflected in Numbers 30:1–8. This understanding also explains the long-standing custom of a woman taking her husband's family name after marriage, signifying her new household identity.

From the very beginning, God assigned the man the responsibility of leadership within the family. Reversing or blurring this order has significant consequences for both the family and society. Part of this leadership responsibility is taking the initiative to propose marriage.

Before proposing, a man should prayerfully seek God's direction until he is persuaded that he is being led toward a particular woman. Wise counsel from a pastor or mature Christian mentor may also help clarify his conviction. Having reached that conviction, he should approach the woman with humility, sincerity, and without any form of manipulation or pressure.

He should avoid statements such as, "God told me you are my wife," which can place undue spiritual pressure on the woman. Instead, he may simply say, "I have prayed about this and am convinced that God is leading me to you as the woman I should marry. Will you marry me?"

The woman should then prayerfully seek God's guidance and consult trusted spiritual counselors before giving her answer. While she should not rush such an important decision, neither should she prolong her response unnecessarily, as extended silence may reasonably be interpreted as a refusal.

Some may object to this position by pointing to Ruth's approach to Boaz as an example of a woman proposing marriage. Such an interpretation overlooks the legal and cultural context of ancient Israel.

According to the customs governing the kinsman-redeemer, Ruth was not free to marry just anyone after the death of her husband. Eligible male relatives first had the responsibility and the right to redeem her by marriage. Naomi therefore instructed Ruth to present herself to Boaz at the threshing floor because he was one of those qualified relatives.

When Ruth approached him, Boaz did not interpret her actions as an ordinary marriage proposal. Rather, he acknowledged his covenant responsibility toward her and commended her loyalty and godliness. Nevertheless, he informed her that another relative had a prior legal claim. Boaz therefore brought the matter before that nearer relative in the presence of the city elders. Only after the nearer kinsman publicly declined his right of redemption did Boaz lawfully marry Ruth (Ruth 4:1–13).

Consequently, this passage should not be understood as establishing a biblical pattern for women to initiate marriage proposals. Certainly, there have been instances where women have proposed marriage and the marriages have flourished. However, successful outcomes do not establish biblical principles. It is the commands, teachings, and patterns of Scripture that determine Christian practice.

Although Scripture presents the man as the one who should initiate the proposal, the woman can make it easier for him to approach her. Often, a woman recognizes before the man speaks that he is interested in her. If she is also interested, or open to considering him, she can encourage his approach through grace, respect, kindness, and humility. Such attitudes help reduce his fear of rejection.

Sadly, some women unintentionally project an attitude or facial expression that communicates, "Don't come near." Ironically, many of them inwardly hope that a suitable man will pursue them despite the signals they are sending. Unfortunately, many men simply accept those signals at face value, and a potentially fruitful relationship may never begin.

Ultimately, whom you marry is your responsibility and your choice, provided that, if you are a believer, you marry another believer (1 Corinthians 7:39). Yet while the choice is yours, God desires to guide you toward the wisest choice. Therefore, the righteous take seriously the exhortation of Scripture:

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths" (Proverbs 3:5–6, NKJV). 

By Dr. Ifiok Ukobo